Oh hi there.
Yeah, I know, it’s been a while. After the insanity of Shocktober, I took a well deserved break to work on other writing projects and to rub Boris’ belly. But now we’re back, and it’s the most dreadful time time of the year – the December catch up.
This is when I try and cram in all the horror films I missed at the cinema in 2016. Should they have remained unseen? Probably, but let’s find out. Y’know, just to be sure.
Hush (2016, Mike Flanagan)
Let’s start with Hush.
Actually, do we have to?
There’s very little to say about this film. Cinema’s weediest killer stalks a mildly resourceful deaf girl throughout her house.
I say throughout, but it takes him about an hour to actually get indoors. It’s the most lethargic game of cat and mouse you’ll ever see, and a bit of a mis-step from the usually reliable Blumhouse Pictures. The director, who made the risible Absentia and the fantastic Oculus, made two more horrors in 2016, but after this one I’m in no hurry to check them out.
The Neon Demon (2016, Nicolas Winding Refn)
I’m one of the eight people in the world that never saw Drive, so this is actually my first Refn movie. And I liked it in that special way where I never, ever want to see it again.
Don’t take that the wrong way, Neon Demon. It’s just that my viewing conditions were perfect and impossible to replicate. Half asleep and drifting in and out of consciousness is the ideal way to enjoy this slow moving but sometimes deliriously campy tale.
What I think I’m saying is this; I recommend The Neon Demon to absolutely everyone and also to absolutely no-one.
I hope that has cleared things up.
Beyond the Gates (2016, Jackson Stewart)
At the risk of sounding like one of those awful “Remember the 80s” nostalgia shows – remember VHS based board games? If not, then stop reading and watch all 65 minutes of this video –
Aw shucks, just kidding folks. About 30 seconds should do you just fine.
In Beyond the Gates, two brothers are clearing out their father’s old video store and stumble upon the titular game and all hell breaks loose.
It’s very low budget, and what money they did have has gone on some pretty excellent practical fx.
There’s some good laughs and a surprising amount of drama, although despite the short running time and welcome appearance from Re-Animator’s Barbara Crampton, it begins to run out of steam about an hour in.
Worth a watch for fans of SOV 80s horror.
Well, fair to say none of these three were particularly memorable. Hopefully by the next post I’ll have watched at least one great film. The chances of that film being Kevin Smith’s horror comedy Yoga Hosers?